Check out Ernest Borgnine. "A 90-Second Story"

Ernest Borgnine as Lt. Cdr. Quinton McHale

NOTE: this story was originally written for the STORY SALON’S evening of 90-second stories June 29th 2005.

My wife Donna and I were grocery shopping at the old Hugh's market on Ventura & Coldwater Canyon in Studio City CA. We were heading to the checkout line. Donna, as always, has to go back to get one more thing. I reached the checkout line at the same time as McHale's Navy’s PT 73 commander, Ernest Borgnine.

Mr. Borgnine was gracious and asked me to go first. I responded with, "No Mr. Borgnine. By the time my wife comes back with the one more thing she went back for, you will be halfway to your car. So Ernest Borgnine is unloading his cart and starts pointing the prices on each item. "This is a good deal on ground round", "Hey 3 for a dollar", "Have you ever tried this?" Only in Hollywood.

With Mr. Borgnine's groceries bagged and ready to go, Donna shows up with the one more thing. Mr. Borgnine, my wife Donna. Donna, Ernest Borgnine. Mr. Borgnine says, "Nice to meet you," and leaves.

Donna asked, "What were we talking about with Ernest Borgnine?" I answered, "You".

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Tony Figueroa

Comedy Grievances "The PODCAST".

CHILD OF TELEVISION: Comedy Grievances was originally posted on Friday, March 18, 2005.

The PODCAST was recorded Friday June 24, at "Laugh Lines hosted by Dan Farren" as part of the ongoing shows at the STORY SALON. "Laugh Lines" is an evening where comedians tell stories about comedy.

To quote Theodore White, "A joke is like a frog. If you want, you can dissect it to see how the parts fit together and understand what makes it all work. But the frog tends to die in the process".

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Tony Figueroa

Blake vs. Potter (Click PODCAST)

Television has brought us many great debates and I'm not talking about the ones on C-SPAN. I am talking about private citizens gathered together to discuss important issues like:
Who was the better Darren on "Bewitched"? Dick York or Dick Sargent?

Who would you rather be with on "Gilligan's Island"? Ginger (Tina Louise) or Mary Ann (Dawn Wells)?

Who was the better Enterprise Captain? James T. Kirk (William Shatner on "Star Trek") or Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart on "Star Trek: The Next Generation").

These are the issues that men have dedicated countless hours (and beers) debating, and many times these debates ended in an impasse or last call. With many of these debates, I stand firm on my position, Dick York, Mary Ann and Capt. Kirk. Some of my positions are based solely on my opinion (Dick York and Capt. Kirk), while others (Mary Ann) are based on facts that I can present: Ginger represents the girls you have fun with, while Mary Ann represents the girls you marry. Inevitably I come up with a firm point of view except on one topic.

Who was the better commanding officer of the 4077 "M*A*S*H"? Lt. Col. Henry Blake (McLean Stevenson) or Col. Sherman Potter (Harry Morgan)?

At this point I get a bad case of writers block. I don't have a simple answer to the question. I get up from my desk and pace. I then go to the kitchen and do the dishes. Then I make coffee for the tomorrow morning. Then I take out the garbage. My wife likes it when I have writer’s block because it is the only time she can get me to do any household chores. And I have just spent a whole paragraph avoiding the question.

So why can I not give a simple answer to the question? Now I keep hearing William Shatner saying, "It's just a TV show!" Let me break it down.

There is one school of thought that says that M*A*S*H* "Jumped The Shark" when Col. Blake died. That the show shifted from it's original premise set by the movie with Donald Sutherland and Elliott Gould that shows Army doctors who need to go crazy in order to keep from going insane. This same school of thought feels that after Henry Blake died the show was no longer as funny as it was before and became more self-righteous and preachy. Some of these people may have been turned off by what they felt was Alan Alda's liberal agenda.

Another school of thought is that the show improved with age and that they were able to evolve from Army doctors who get drunk and pull practical jokes to experimenting with new and creative forms of storytelling.

When we look at 11 seasons and over 250 episodes, the most talked about episodes are the ones that show what we now call out of the box thinking. There was the black and white episode where the characters are being interviewed by reporter Clete Roberts, the episode shot from the point of view of a patient, or the episode that takes place over the course of a year. These episodes all took place after the death of Henry Blake.

At this point in my writing I start to look for any distraction and discus the issue with a friend, who subscribes to the first school of thought, and found out that our views are not that different. My fried feels that the show "Jumped the Shark" when Frank Burns (Larry Linville) left the show while I feel that the show "Jumped the Shark" shortly thereafter when Hawkeye and Hot Lips (Loretta Swit) did it (another one of the more talked about episodes). That period in the show's history marked the end of any internal conflict amongst the ensemble, an element that was an important staple in the show.

I tend to favor the second school of thought but I appreciate and respect what the first school of thought has to offer as well. I also don't think that we can simply link the shows paradigm shift with the change of command at the 4077. Although the movie and the TV series were set during the Korean conflict, the movie and the early seasons of the series served as a metaphor for the Vietnam War. This included jokes directed at then VP Richard Nixon. By the time Mike Farrell and Harry Morgan replaced Wayne Rogers and McLean Stevenson, the Vietnam war was over, Nixon was out of the White house and M*A*S*H* shifted their focus from doctors rebelling against the army to the challenges of practicing medicine in a war zone. Sadly Henry's death while reminding us that there is a war going on also signaled that the party was over. Some of the irreverence, that subscribers of the first school of thought loved about the show, may not have died with Henry but died around the same time as Henry.

Still I have not answered the question. Who do I think was the better commanding officer of the 4077 M*A*S*H*? Lt. Col. Henry Blake or Col. Sherman Potter? It's a cop out to simply say that M*A*S*H* became a different show after the change of command thus being able to end the debate in a tie. So the best way to answer the question is to say, that even though Col. Potter was a more competent Military leader, I would have rather served under Col. Blake. I also want to add that I am grateful that I have never had to serve under either type of leader in a war zone. I have nothing but the utmost respect and gratitude to those who have. And I am sorry that there is nothing comparable to M*A*S*H* on the air today because we could certainly use it now.

To quote Lt. Col. Henry Blake, "Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war and rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one."

To quote Col. Sherman Potter, "There's a time to step in and a time to back off. Pull the reins too tight and the horse will buck. You had good people under you. You should of let them go through the paces. You know this is pretty good. Someone should be writing this down."
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Tony Figueroa

PS: I prefer Diane Chambers (Shelley Long) over Rebecca Howe (Kirstie Alley) on "Cheers", Curly Howard was a funnier stooge than Shemp Howard and "Underdog" can kick Mighty Mouse's Ass in a fight because he’s a dog for God sake.

You're not dreaming... You're in Puerto Rico. (Click PODCAST)

The Coqui

Even thought I make my home in Hollywood California my heart does belong to my birthplace, Puerto Rico. Every time I have a chance to visit the place where I was born and where my Father's family comes from it overwhelms me.

So what does this have to do with Television? Well recently you have been seeing ads from the Puerto Rico Tourism Company (You're not dreaming... You're in Puerto Rico.) They show the island's beauty, but with all due respect to the people who produce the ads, they don't do the island justice. The ads do not capture the people on the island. The ad's show them as very attractive people and, that’s true but there is a hospitality that I have never seen anywhere else.

I took a long weekend to Puerto Rico and so I could celebrate my sister's major milestone birthday with my family. The night before the big party, I was with my father who wanted to watch the Cotto fight on HBO. We did not have HBO where we were staying so we went to a neighborhood sports bar, and they did not have HBO either. While walking back home we saw some guys who had just set up a TV in the parking lot of their apartment complex. They had fed extension cords and a coaxial cable from the upstairs apartment window to the parking lot below. The fight was just starting and my dad asked if we could watch the fight with them. They not only invited us in to watch the fight, they poured us a drink, gave us some snacks, and gave us the best seats in the parking lot. That's the part of my Puerto Rico that I want you to know about. These are the nicest people that you could ever meet. You will receive that same treatment whether you are Boricua like me returning home or, visiting there for the first time.

To quote the ad "You're not dreaming... You're in Puerto Rico."

PS: The next day we had a blast celebrating my sister’s birthday.

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Tony Figueroa

A quick note to the “PTC”. RE: That Paris Hilton hamburger ad. (Click PODCAST)

Once again as I said before, "When I started writing this column, it wasn’t to be an anti "Parents Television Council" forum".
CHILD OF TELEVISION: My message to "The Parents Television Council".
CHILD OF TELEVISION: Another message to "The Parents Television Council". RE: Crossing Jordan
CHILD OF TELEVISION: And another message to "The Parents Television Council". RE: TIME Magazine "The Decency Police"
CHILD OF TELEVISION: And still another message to "The Parents Television Council". RE: The V-Chip and the TV Ratings System.

If you are not familiar with the Carl's Jr. commercial in question, click the link and come back.

After extensive study of this ad I have come to the conclusion that Paris Hilton is having a 3-way with a car and a burger. This leaves me with a very important decision make, whether to spend $6.00 on a burger or not.

I would like to make some other pragmatic observations.

1. I'd still rather see Paris Hilton wash a car than Ronald Mc Donald, Jack (from Jack in the box), or Dan the "Del Taco" guy.
2. The guy in the "Burger King" mask is more traumatizing to children, potentially appearing in their nightmares, than a woman washing a car while eating a $6.00 burger.
3. The more your group goes on TV to chastise Carl's Jr. and Hardees the more free publicity you give them.

Your organization on the web site PTC Calls Paris Hilton Ad for Carl’s Jr./Hardees Ultimate Example of Corporate Irresponsibility describes this commercial saying, "This is the ultimate example of corporate irresponsibility". Really? Does the name ENRON mean anything to you people? But lets just keep the discussion to the fast food industry. I encourage you to close shop for a day and rent the Academy Award nominated documentary "Super Size Me" and seriously reevaluate your priorities. Then if you still think "This is the ultimate example of corporate irresponsibility", then I say move over Burger King, because the PTC is the new "Home of the Whopper".

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Tony Figueroa

This Is Supposed To Happen In Threes. (Click Podcast)

"I do not do hundreds of impressions. My entire repertoire of impressions numbers less than 50. I never set out to do an impression of a person. However, when something a star does suddenly sparks my imagination, I find myself doing an impression of him -- first for my amusement, later for my repertoire."

Frank Gorshin

There is some unwritten rule that says that celebrities die in threes, but last week (prior to the death of Eddie Albert) we lost four incredible voice talents.

Frank Gorshin died on May 17th in Burbank, California of lung cancer, emphysema and pneumonia. Most people knew Mr. Gorshin for his Emmy-nominated roles as the Riddler on the "Batman" TV series, and as Commissioner Bele in the very powerful "STAR TREK" episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield" (he was the alien who had one side of his face painted black and the other side painted white). Mr. Gorshin was also a very talented impressionist, headlining in Las Vegas. He recently used his talents to play George Burns (with only a little makeup and no prosthetics) on Broadway in the one-man show "Say Goodnight Gracie". He has also voiced many animated characters including Deano Rat in "Firedog", Hugo Strange in "The Batman", Daffy Duck in "Superior Duck", and Yosemite Sam in "From Hare to Eternity".

Henry Corden died may 19th in Los Angeles, California of emphysema.
Mr. Corden took over as the voice of Fred Flintstone when the original voice, Alan Reed, died in 1977 (Reed had had the role since the show first aired in 1960). Mr. Corden began voice acting in the 1960's doing parts in Hanna-Barbera shows like "Jonny Quest," "Josie and the Pussycats" and "The New Tom & Jerry Show." He also played characters in "Challenge of the GoBots", "Mister T", "The All-New Scooby and Scrappy-Doo Show" "Here Comes Garfield", "The Smurfs", "Fangface and Fangpuss", "Heathcliff", "Thundarr the Barbarian", "The Challenge of the Super Friends", "Dynomutt, Dog Wonder", "Return to the Planet of the Apes", "These Are the Days", "Yogi's Gang", "The Harlem Globetrotters", "The Banana Splits Adventure Hour", "The Atom Ant/Secret Squirrel Show", and "The Jetsons". He can most recently be heard on cereal commercials as Fred Flintstone yelling "Barney, my Pebbles!"

Howard Morris died on May 21st in Los Angeles, California of a heart ailment. Mr. Morris is best remembered for playing Ernest T. Bass on "The Andy Griffith Show". Before that he was part of a comedy sketch group including Carl Reiner and Imogene Coca and did several TV variety shows, including "Admiral Broadway Review," "Your Show of Shows" and "Caesar's Hour." After his work on "The Andy Griffith Show" (as an actor and director), Mr. Morris was a regular voice in "Hanna-Barbera" cartoons from the 60's until present day where he voiced many characters such as Atom Ant in "The Atom Ant Show". He would also voice Beetle Bailey and General Halftrack in "Beetle Bailey and His Friends," and Jughead Jones and Big Moose Mason in "The Archie Show". In 1972, he directed some McDonaldland commercials and was the voice of the Hamburglar. Mr. Morris was also the voice of the Qantas koala.

Thurl Ravenscroft died May 22nd in Fullerton, California of prostate cancer. In 1952, Mr. Ravenscroft's voice appeared in the first Frosted Flakes commercial as Tony the Tiger. Mr. Ravenscroft also did voices for Disney Animated Classics like "Cinderella", "The Jungle Book," "Mary Poppins", "Alice in Wonderland", "Lady and the Tramp". He sang "You're a Mean One, Mister Grinch" in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". Mr. Ravenscroft lent his voice to characters on several rides and attractions at Disneyland, including the Pirates of the Caribbean, Splash Mountain, the Enchanted Tiki Room, the Mark Twain River Boat, Buff - the buffalo head in the Country Bear Jamboree, the Disneyland Railroad, It's a Small World, and the Haunted Mansion.

Even though I say goodnight to you gentlemen, your voices will live on forever.

To paraphrase Tony the Tiger, "They’re Great".

Stay Tuned


Tony Figueroa

It's not everyone who can play straight man to an entire town.

Eddie Albert bought the farm at the age of 99.

Good Night Eddie and enjoy the fresh air.

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Tony Figueroa

Not a Black and White Issue. (Click PODCAST)

If I were to ask what was the first TV program to show a mixed marriage, I'm sure that most people would say "The Jeffersons". True the show did feature an interracial couple (Tom and Helen Willis), but you’d be wrong.

Lucy & Ricky Ricardo (I Love Lucy) had a mixed marriage. Although they joked about their cultural differences, their racial diversity was never made an issue. The bigger issue at the time was CBS having concerns that America would not accept an "All American Girl" married to a Cuban bandleader, regardless of the fact that Lucille Ball & Desi Arnaz had been married in real life for 13 years.

"The Munsters" (Fred Gwynne & Yvonne De Carlo) were a mixed marriage of a vampire (descended from nobility) and the Frankenstein monster. Because the characters were monsters, their diversity was never made an issue either. Nor was it made an issue that they were the first married couple on TV to sleep in the same bed.

Samantha & Darrin Stephens were the first mixed married couple on a show (Bewitched) to actually discuss their differences. The show featured a witch (Elizabeth Montgomery) who married a mortal (Dick York & Dick Sargent). Underneath the mother in law jokes, nosey neighbors and special effects, serious issues like prejudice, negative stereotypes and tolerance were covered. How many times did we see Endora (Agnes Moorehead) tell Samantha that she disapproved of her daughter marring a mortal, what mortals did to them in the early days of Salem, or how mortals depict witches with hooked noses and warts. If you did not know that I was talking about TV witches, you might think that I was talking about one of a number of disenfranchised minorities.

If you think that I am connecting the dots incorrectly like some conspiracy theorist, I would encourage you to do a Google search and type in "Bewitched" and "Mixed Marriage", see what you find. I also want to point out that when Bewitched first premiered in 1964 it was not without controversy. Some stations refused to carry the show under pressure from religious groups that did not like the idea of a fine red blooded American male marrying a witch, a witch seen in a positive light, or an attractive witch (a problem that also pledged "Glinda the Good"). After Dick Sergeant joined the cast there was a concern that the public might find out that he was gay, even though no one was concerned about Uncle Arthur (Paul Lynde).

I do hope that the new "Bewitched" movie (Opening June 24th) explores some of the themes that I mentioned. Also look for my friend and fellow storyteller (Check out STORY SALON) Clay Bravo, as the waitress in a scene with Nicole Kidman and Michael Caine

While writing this I found a new Bewitched controversy. The cable network TV Land has a program where they erect statues to commemorate and salute icons and images of classic television called TV Landmarks. Past honorees have included ''The Honeymooners" (Ralph Kramden at the New York bus terminal), ''The Mary Tyler Moore Show" (Mary Richards in Minneapolis), ''The Andy Griffith Show" (Andy and Opie Taylor in Raleigh, N.C.) and ''The Bob Newhart show'' (Bob Hartley in Chicago). TV Land commissioned a Samantha Stephens statue to be erected in Salem Mass. Salemites claim that the statue trivializes the memory of the legal murders committed during the Salem Witch Trials of 1692. In the end The City of Salem accepted TV Land’s offer of the statue, and it will stand near the church where people were accused of being witches and the site of the courthouse where they were condemned.

I’m sure if Samantha Stephens were here her only response would be, "Well?".

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Tony Figueroa

School House Rocked. (Click PODCAST)

The other day my wife Donna wanted to send some DVDs to her nephews (ages four and six). She thought that the Schoolhouse Rock series would be good gift. Donna called her sister and asked if she thought the boys might like a Schoolhouse Rock DVD. Donna's sister did not know what she was talking about. Donna said, "You know Conjunction Junction what’s your function?" How could someone who was a child living in the United States between the years 1973 and 1985 not know about School House Rock.

My friend Zadra and her band "The Willies" sing a cover of "Interjections!". Governmental and lobbyist groups requested cassettes of "I'm Just A Bill" to learn how a bill becomes a law. I started thinking about how many times Schoolhouse Rock helped me out in school and beyond because by now I couldn't get "Conjunction Junction" out of my head.

First there was "Multiplication Rock". My favorite was "Three Is A Magic Number". Those football players were very helpful in teaching me to multiply by 3. Sadly I found out that player # 30 died of brain cancer caused by steroid use.

"Grammar Rock" was helpful in teaching me that "A Noun Is A Person, Place Or Thing", although I got distracted from the intended lesson when I saw a white Chubby Checker in the cartoon. "Interjections" was made more fun when we realized that profanity counted as an interjection. We would sing a dirtier version of the song on the playground.

"America Rock" came out during the time of the Bicentennial and the timing could not be more perfect, in school we were given the assignment of memorizing the Preamble to the Constitution. We proudly told our teacher that we already knew it thanks to America Rock’s "The Preamble". My high school civics teacher skipped over how a bill becomes a law because we were all familiar with "I’m Just A Bill". That song still plays in my head when I'm watching our real lawmaker on one of the cable news channels. Of course the lawmakers aren’t as dimensional or lifelike as the cartoon characters.

I wish "Science Rock" had done a song about the atom. That would been a big help in my high school science class.

I was very fortunate. Sesame Street first aired when I was four years old. Schoolhouse Rock first aired when I was in elementary school. It's sad that I know more people who buy the Schoolhouse Rock DVD for themselves in the name of nostalgia than people who buy the Schoolhouse Rock DVD for their kids in the name of education. These songs have stood the test of time. I would hope that if there is no place for Schoolhouse Rock on broadcast TV then there would be a place on a cable channel like Nickelodeon or N O G G I N.

To quote the girl at the end of Interjections, "DARN! That's the end!"

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Tony Figueroa

Boldly going, going, gone. (Click PODCAST)

I’m stunned. It's hard to believe that with the cancellation of "STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE", for the first time in18 years there will not be a STAR TREK series on the air. I have spent an abnormal amount of time engaged in water cooler talk as to why the latest STAR TREK spin-off failed to last more than 4 seasons. I do consider myself a TREK fan but I am hesitant to use terms like Trekkie or Trekker. I see STAR TREK the same way I see religion. It can be a great source of comfort, it should be used in moderation and I don't want to associate with or be associated with its followers. These devoted fans by the way recently raised over 15 million dollars to keep this fifth TREK series on the air, forcing them to delay moving out of their parent’s basements for at least... Well I guess they had the disposable income anyway. Don’t get me wrong, some of my best friends are Trekkies or Trekkers. Go rent the documentary TREKKIES and you will know what I am talking about.

What Gene Roddenberry pitched, as "Wagon Train to the Stars" became much more than what WilliamShatner described on SNL as, "...just a TV show!" Roddenberry managed to address the problems of the day that would not have been addressed otherwise on TV, by using outer space as its backdrop. The show inspired many to reach for the stars by studying science. People of color and women seeing Lt. Uhura (Nichelle Nichols) on the Enterprise bridge saw a future that included them. The show inspired new technology and it's packaging. Imagine what your cell phone or home computer would look like without STAR TREK as inspiration. Gene Rodenbery's vision also showed us a future where people of all races worked and played together (including TV's first interracial kiss Plato's Stepchildren).

I know that I'm making this sound bigger than just the cancellation of a TV show. I liked Enterprise and was not bothered by the multiple episode story lines. I still saw Gene Roddenberry's original intentions realized in this latest STAR TREK franchise. I liked that Captain Jonathan Archer’s (Scott Bakula ) Enterprise and crew was less sophisticated than Captain Kirk's or Picard's. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter if you are battling an unknown alien threat or debating the moral implications of interfering with the development of an alien species, as long as the show is well written and well acted, that’s all that matters.

One of the great things about Trek is that you can never run out of story ideas. All you have to do is look at today's newsmakers, paint them green and stick them on another planet.

Fear not Trekkies or Trekkers. Even though we are saying goodbye to Captain Archer’s Enterprise, the franchise will live long and prosper. There is now talk about an 11th STAR TREK feature scheduled for release in 2007. I look forward to it, just don’t expect to see me at the first screening and I definitely wont be in uniform because to quote Groucho Marx, "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member".

Stay Tuned


Tony Figueroa