The 2006 TV Land Awards.

A couple of weekends ago TV Land held a Sanford and Son marathon. I throughly enjoyed it. The only downside was that I couldn't get The Ink Spots’ song If I Didn’t Care out of my head when the marathon was over. I'm not complaining, in fact I got an article out of it (CHILD OF TELEVISION: If I didn't care). Last week TV Land aired the 2006 TV Land Awards. I thoroughly enjoyed that too. We live in a time where there is a glut of award shows. Their sole purpose is to cater to the lowest common denominator that wants to see celebrities in designer gowns and tuxedoes walking the red carpet. The TV Land Awards stands apart. Sure the TV Land Awards do have their cheesy moments like some of the over rehearsed or over produced acceptance speeches. Or when two of the three nominees for an award are dead and the sole survivor winds up winning. But what makes the TV Land Awards different? Most award shows will feature several artists in one category whose work from the past year is in competition with each other, and somewhere in the show there is one award dedicated to an individual's lifetime achievement. The TV Land Awards really honors classic TV stars, shows and the individuals whose work has endured the test of time and they dedicate one award to a current show that is sure to be a Future Classic (This year it was Grey's Anatomy).

Other awards included The Pioneer Award presented to Sid Caesar, The Pop Culture Award presented to Dallas, The Legend Award presented to Cheers, and the Impact Award presented to Good Times. Every year TV Land Awards open with a medley of TV theme songs either sung by the artist who originally recorded the song or show's stars. For me the highlight this year was José Feliciano performing the theme to Chico and the Man.

Oh Great, now I can't get that song that song out of my head.

Since the term classic is often misused I decided to quote Dictionary.com/classic,
clas·sic adj.
a. Belonging to the highest rank or class.
b. Serving as the established model or standard: a classic example of colonial architecture.
c. Having lasting significance or worth; enduring.

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Tony Figueroa

If I didn't care.

This past weekend I was watching the Sanford and Son marathon on TV Land. I have always been a fan of the show and Redd Foxx (whose real name is John Sanford), was a brilliant and dynamic presence. My wife also pointed out to me that Demond Wilson’s contribution to the show has been grossly underrated. Something that was painfully obvious in the Sanford and Son spin-off Sanford (1980-1981). One of my favorite comedic bits that Redd Foxx did, besides having the fake heart attacks and insulting Aunt Esther (LaWanda Page), was singing The Ink Spots’ song If I Didnt Care, or as Fred Sanford liked to call it "The Anthem" (His best rendition was on the Hawaiian episode). He always sang the line, "And would I be sure that this is love beyond compare? Would all this be true if I didn't care for you?" Redd Foxx was a huge fan of the '30s vocal group but the network would not pay the expensive royalties. Out of his love for the group Redd Foxx paid the royalties out of his own pocket.

My dad is also a big Ink Spots fan as well as a Sanford and Son fan. When I was visiting my family in Orlando, my brother wanted to check out this new Virgin Megastore. He was told that this was the greatest music store in the world and that this place was so big that you could find any music you could ever want there. When my dad saw the inside of the store he knew that amongst the thousands of CDs, he could find The Ink Spots. Normally when you are at a Virgin Megastore you can go to one of many computer terminals and look up a song or an artist. Of course when we are there the computer system was down so we had to look for it on our own. Being guys we didn’t need to ask for help. We started with the Oldies section, where there were hundreds of CDs, but no Ink Spots. We went to the Classics section, again hundreds of CD, but no Ink Spots. We went to the Black Artist’s section, again hundreds of CD, but no Ink Spots. After dedicating all this time looking though thousands of CDs, we broke down and went to ask for help. Several twenty something employees who pride themselves on their vast musical knowledge, had never heard of the Ink Spots. One employee suggested that we check the Vintage section. Vintage? They have yet another synonym for old. The Vintage section consisted of 2 shelves with half a dozen CDs, but no Ink Spots. I went through the plastic tabs that separate the CDs and found a tab marked Ink Spots. I showed the tab to the employee who then takes a key and opens a cabinet. Under the shelves, we found The Ink Spots Greatest Hits 1939-46 the Original Decca Recordings.

We went home and got some beers and listened to the CD. I was still bothered that these music experts did not know who The Ink Spots were. I know who the Ink Spots are and I'm not a music expert, I'm a TV expert (I learned about The Ink Spots thanks to Redd Foxx). My 25-year-old sister Rachel comes home. Rachel was a week away from graduating Law School, well read, cultured and the smartest of the Figueroa children. I had to ask Rachel, "Who are The Ink Spots?" She said, "Weren't they a cartoon?" I guess I can’t be to judgmental. When my friends were buying music I was buying comedy albums. Funny that I learn music appreciation from a comedian or should I say from his alter ego Fred G. Sanford, that's S-A-N-F-O-R-D-Period, and the G. stands for Golden Oldie.

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Tony Figueroa

Handwritten Theatre Five: "One side is windy, the other is not." (Click Podcast)

Handwritten Theatre is a series of brief dramatic pieces originally composed in a Small Black Notebook with a Fountain Pen by Joseph Dougherty.

"One side is windy, the other is not."
Performed by Donna Allen Figueroa and Moira Quirk. The original engineering for the project was done by Lance Anderson.

The REAL Daisy Duke.

Recently I was at an event at a major Hollywood Movie Studio. Impressed? Don't be. I was working the event. In attendance at this event was the original Daisy Duke Catherine Bach. She was invited to the event not working it. I was a fan of The Dukes of Hazzard as a pre-teen, then teen. I wanted to go up to her and say something, but something that did not make me sound like a geek, dork or trekker. I'm sure that Ms. Bach is well aware of all that she did for prepubescent boys during the last few years of the sexual revolution. I did not want to say anything that sounds cliche like, "I'm your biggest fan" or "I love your work". Then I remembered that she was my generations Daisy Duke. I went up to her and said, "Jessica Simpson has got nothing on you". She looked me in the eye and said, "Thank you. You are so sweet to say that". When she left the event she gave me a wink and I graciously tripped over my shoe.

Since I am on the subject of The Dukes of Hazard. My friends at the ARK theatre company here in Los Angeles are presenting the West Coast Premiere of Hazard County written by Allison Moore and directed by Richard Tatum. Cast: Michael Agrusso, Chairman Barnes, Tracy Eliott, JoBeth Prince, and Mary Pringle.

Hazard County is the story of Ruth Horton (Tracy Eliott), a young, single mom raising two kids in rural Kentucky. Eight years after losing her husband to a murder-turned-media circus, she and her kids find themselves homeless and helpless. Her life takes an unexpected tailspin when she meets Blake (Michael Agrusso), a FOX News producer looking for his next big idea. But are Ruth and Blake telling the truth about who they really are? The action of the play is framed by monologues about the TV show The Dukes of Hazzard, creating a theatrical event that blasts past the Red State/Blue State debate and into a portrait of the contemporary South, where reality collides with politics, racism and mass media.
Plays Thursdays & Saturdays @ 8pm and Sundays at 2pm thru April 30
Purchase tickets online! CLICK HERE

To quote Bo & Daisy Duke,
Bo Duke: Daisy Duke if you wasn't my cousin, I'd marry you!
Daisy Duke: Never stopped anybody in this family before.

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Tony Figueroa

The rule of three.

As a Child of Television I am saddened to see so many people who came into our homes week after week leave us. I seem to be writing more and more eulogies lately. I love writing about what the departed meant to me or even tell a personal story if I had a chance to meet them. I also feel the need to write these eulogies because the entertainment news shows would rather cover a celebrity break up than honor the life of someone who made a contribution to the entertainment industry (CHILD OF TELEVISION: My Entertainment Shows RANT).

Last Saturday afternoon I heard about Don Knotts passing. That evening I wrote about what Mr. Knotts meant to me (CHILD OF TELEVISION: Don Knotts). Yesterday (Sunday) I heard the news of Darren McGavin's passing. To the younger generation he was the father AKA "the Old Man" in the movie A Christmas Story but to classic TV fans he was Mike Hammer, Kolchak: The Night Stalker, and starred in Riverboat, Crime Photographer and The Outsider. He even did a Disney movie with Don Knotts called No Deposit, No Return. When I was trying to figure out what to say about Mr. McGavin, I'd talk to friends who were fans of his and I kept hearing everyone say, "Who's the third going to be?" I don't joke about the fact that celebrities tend to die in groups of three. Back in 1987 I was with a comedy improv group. We were talking and joking about John Huston and Lee Marvin dying one day after the other. Someone asked, "Who's the third going to be?" and a ditsy blond said, "I hear Lorne Greene is not doing well". The next day Lorne Greene died. I'm normally not a superstitious person, but I don't like to tempt fate. I also don't believe in coincidence. There must be a reason for why celebrities die in groups of three and I believe that we will learn that reason in the next life.

Today I learned that number three, Dennis Weaver, died. To me he will always be McCloud but he also starred in Gunsmoke, Gentle Ben, Kentucky Jones, Emerald Point N.A.S., Stone and Buck James. Mr. Weaver was the Honorary Mayor of Universal City, CA at the same time Don Knotts was the Honorary Sheriff. Mr. Weaver also served as the President of The Screen Actor's Guild from 1973-1975, and the president of Love Is Feeding Everyone, which fed 150,000 needy people a week in Los Angeles County. He founded the Institute of Ecolonomics, which sought solutions to economic and environmental problems.

If you have to know why celebrities die in groups of three, Ask Jeeves (Why do celebrities die in groups of three? - Ask.com Search). I'm sure someone out there is trying tie together the fact that all three actors’ first names began with the letter "D". Instead of connecting the dots after they died, I would rather look at what they contributed in life, and say good night gentlemen and thanks.

Instead of my usual quote I'd like to share this image that I have my head. Barney Fife guarding the Pearly Gates. While he tells McCloud that his horse can come in Kolchak sneaks through to get his story.

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Tony Figueroa

PS: I believe that there are horses in heaven. You can now go back to connecting the dots.

Don Knotts

When I heard the news of Don Knotts’ passing, I thought what can be said about this man that has not been said already or will be said in the days ahead. Many people consider Barney Fife to be the greatest comedic character in the history of television. Prior to playing Barney Fife on The Andy Griffith Show Mr. Knotts played the nervous Mr. Morrison on The Steve Allen Show. Mr. Morrison’s initials were related to his occupation. For example K.B. Morrison’s job was to place the pins in hand grenades. When asked what the initials stood for, Mr. Morrison replied, "Kaa Boom!" Steve Allen would ask Mr. Morrison if he was nervous and always got the quick one word reply, "No!!!" In 1979, Mr. Knotts joined the cast of Three's Company as the new landlord Ralph Furley. I even remember seeing Mr. Knotts pulling pranks with Allen Funt on Candid Camera but Don Knotts will always be remembered best as Barney Fife.

Why do we love Barney? There are many great comedic characters on TV, but many of these comedic characters went to a farcical extreme. Some even dropped I.Q. points for the sake of a joke. Andy Griffith felt that the integrity of Mayberry’s citizens was more important than a punch line. I think there is a lot of Barney in all of us. We may strive to be like Andy Taylor, act like Andy Taylor and may even fool ourselves into thinking that we are Andy Taylor. But we are really are Barney Fife full of good intentions but with a bullet in our pocket. The same integrity of the Barney character allowed Don Knotts to play the serious moments as well.

I only met Don Knotts once. It was at a local art store where he was having a picture framed. This was on same day that Return to Mayberry was to air. Everyone in the store had to approach Mr. Knotts to tell him how much he or she loves his work and that they would be watching the Mayberry Reunion that night. I’m sure he was in a hurry but he took the time to thank everyone for his or her kind words.

Good Night Mr. Knotts, see you at the fishing hole.

To quote Barney Fife & Andy Taylor
Barney Fife: The last big buy was my mom's and dad's anniversary present.
Andy Taylor: What'd ya get 'em?
Barney Fife: A septic tank.
Andy Taylor: For their anniversary?
Barney Fife: They're awful hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. It had two tons of concrete in it. All steel reinforced.
Andy Taylor: You're a fine son, Barn.
Barney Fife: I try.

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Tony Figueroa

OLYMPIC FEVER, I’m immune.

I’m sorry but I could really care less about the Winter Olympics this year. I’m sure that NBC is doing a great job covering the games. I just don’t care. I am not holding an Olympic boycott because those of you who know me know that I’m not big on boycotts. This has nothing to do with my patriotism. I tend to root for the home team. I don’t believe that politics and sports should mix besides that’s not what the Olympics are about. I first of all am not a big sports fan to begin with. When I do watch a sporting event it’s involves me actually going to the event. When I travel throughout the U.S. I love going to the local ballparks, order a beer, hot dog and peanuts and sing Take me out to the Ball Game. You might find it hard to believe that this CHILD OF TELEVISION does not watch sports on TV, but it’s true. I see the two things as being separate. TV is something you watch and sports are something you go to play (I was always put in right field) or watch from the stands. If I was in Torino you bet I would try to catch as many events as possible and root for team USA.

In past years I have said the same thing about the Winter Olympics then get addicted to an event. The last time it was the luge, but this year Matt Lauer and Al Roker’s doubles luge exhibition on the Today show ruined that event for me. As soon as I cleanse that Jungle Fever on Brokeback Mountain homo-erotic image from my brain the Today show will replay the clip and with Americas First Family playing in the background. Thank you guys. First I have to look at everyone’s colon now this. At least I can say that I have found the cure for Olympic fever.

To quote Al Roker on the sled, "That’s not the handle!"

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Tony Figueroa

A quick note to Vice President Dick Cheney.

Dear Vice President Dick Cheney

On behalf of Comedians, Humorists, Satirists, Cartoonists and their fans...

THANK YOU!!!

The last time comedians had this much fun with a VP it was over a spelling error.

To quote Jon Stewart, "Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

To quote David Letterman, "Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney."

To quote Jay Leno, "Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton."

To quote Craig Ferguson, "You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.'"

To quote Jimmy Kimmel, "But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil."

To quote, Garrett Morris, "I'm gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see, I'm gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see. When I kill all the whities I see, then whitey he won't bother me, I'm gonna get me a shotgun and kill all the whities I see".

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Tony Figueroa

Handwritten Theatre Three: "What's your opinion of memory?" (Click PODCAST)

Handwritten Theatre is a series of brief dramatic pieces originally composed in a Small Black Notebook with a Fountain Pen by Joseph Dougherty.

"What's your opinion of memory?"
Performed by Donna Allen Figueroa and Tony Figueroa. The original engineering for the project was done by Lance Anderson.

A quick note to Lorne Michaels RE: Dick Cheney Shooting.

In regards to the recient news item about the vice-presidnt shooting a hunting companion (Politics - MSNBC.com ). I am expecting an incredabily funny sketch from your writers and cast. Something comparable to The Claudine Longet Ski Invitational.

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Tony Figueroa